I'm just a material girl

So I know I'm pms-ing but I need somewhere to rant. I can't help but notice how cute everyone is dressed around campus and what not. I have struggled with my self and sense of style for a while. I'm always wanting more and feeling that what I have isn't good enough. WTF is up with that?! I hate being materialistic because I'm against over comsuming and conspicuous consuming. But I see a girl with cute boots, skirt, dress, top or whatever and then I think that I'm some how lesser, frumpy, chubby and not cute. I have been day dreaming online of shopping and what I would like to buy if I was rich instead of a poor college kid. It was kind-of disturbing. One website had girls wearing lace tops with nothing on underneath and I could see her boobs and nipples...uuhhh is that supposed to make me want to buy the shirt cuz I think I just threw up in my mouth a little bit. I know I'm not overweight or anything, but I am petite and I do have curves, I'm not "skinny". I wish all of these stupid websites had models that weren't a size 0 so I could have an idea what the clothes look like when a toothpick isn't wearing them...because I know damn well that's not what I will look like if I wore the same outfit. I hate that I feel like what I have isn't enough. I hate that I think I'm chubby just because society says you have to be a 5'5" and a size 2 to be pretty. I hate that I'm left with wanting more, unimportant, stupid material things that don't define me and that I honestly don't NEED. Yes, I would like to look nice but why is it I have to spend all this money just to conform to what the general population thinks is "nice".
My closet right now if filled with clothes of 2-3 different sizes. I wish my body would stay the same freaking size. I gain or lose weight and have clothes, then lose or gain more and have to get new ones that fit. So I have like a 1/3 of my clothes that actually fit me that aren't what I'd really like to wear but can't always afford to buy new ones or even want to. So I just have 2/3 of ill fitting clothes. I have been this size before and think it's my base wieght but the clothes i have that fit me are new and cheap or old. I just want to be a better version of myself or a better looking version of myself. this is stupid and I'm stupid for buying into it. Until next time...

Word Vomit

Fact:

• I am an extremely fortunate, loved, and lucky lady
• I can be too hard on myself
• I am totally lacking motivation
• I've had chronic headaches the past few days
• There are certian aspects in my life I am not satisfied with (see previous post)
• I was reading old posts and it made me miss things past...
• I feel a little lost
• I miss the complete and total freedom that comes with being a kid
• I hate our capitalist/consumer society. I should be perfectly happy with what I have.
• I miss my best friend
• Sometimes I wish I could work full time and take a break from school

I have a lot on my mind. I just thought I'd lay out some facts for myself so I don't get carried away with things that are subjective and are things I shouldn't worry about...My head hurts and I'm tired...until next time.

Uh...Who Put That Hole There?

Yes, it's been a while. I suppose I don't feel the need to write when things are going well. It's when things get tough that I like to write; I think it helps me sort my thoughts and gets it out of my mind and onto somewhere else I suppose....Any who....

So..."my guy" is now my boyfriend and we've been dating for about 4 months now. He really is an amazing guy and is a blessing to me. I don't think I've ever been more respected, loved, and treated so nice by anyone, not that I haven't had good bf's in the past or anything, but he just is extremely well rounded. I have to say that this last birthday I had was probably the most special birthday I've had, or at least I felt really special (corny and gushy I know). He took me to the beach for the day/night, took me antiquing, bought champagne, took me to dinner, then we hit up the casino to gamble (which he set aside money for) and drink. It was really fun. He put a lot of thought into it too...haha he got a hotel that wasn't 'commericial' (so me)  and was smaller, awesome, and way cooler then like say the Hilton/Shiloh. He thought of everything. He even told me I love you! Totally caught me off guard, but couldn't have been more pleasantly surprised. I think I'd realized about a week before that I'd actually fallen for this guy. Honestly, I'd kind-of be crazy not to have.  :)

Here's something that I have bugging me and that has been kind-of an undertone to some/most of these posts...me feeling not 100% and my not being satisfied with drinking.

I, over the last 6 months, have totally just fallen off my healthy wagon (well, healthiER). I rarely run, I haven't gone to the gym since Morgan graduated, I eat at work, I eat out too much, I drink, and still haven't kicked nicotine (which I beat myself up for too). I think all of this is why I feel so lethargic, unmotivated, self critical, and why I've gained all the weight back that I lost last year. All of this is very frustrating. I really want to do well and be good in school and be my "bubbly" self at work but with all of this going on with me it is getting increasingly hard to do. This is bull shit. I have will power in me. I've quit cigarettes for 2 years and drinking for long periods of time, it's not like I CAN'T do this. I used to run 4-5 days a week and go to the gym 1-3 times a week. I used to always pack a lunch/dinner for work to help myself eat healthier and cook vs. go out. How did I get so...god damn lazy, or better yet...how the f*#& did I let myself get to this point. I hate feeling this way. I'm just not satisfied or as happy and energetic as I could be or would like to be. I don't know why I am finding this to be so hard but I want to get back on the horse...maybe I'll start going back to alcohol counseling here at school. I only went a few times, but the guy here is really nice and understanding and helped a lot when I sought out advice from him a while back...because honestly, this nonsense has to stop...That's all for now, until next time...

PS. At my cousin's wedding.. I ended up losing no weight and had to be wrestled into my brides maid dress by my aunt and 2 other girls. I'm really surprised the zipper didn't break and that I wasn't walking like Frankenstein the whole time. It was surprisingly comfortable...lesson learned on bridesmaid dress shopping I guess...or just say no next time  ;)

Gold Star

So if you've learned anything from reading my blog you can 1. see that I haven't made entries lately and 2. see that I am an impulsive, passionate, energetic, person...haha I can really get carried away with my own thoughts sometimes...but at the end of the day I have a good head on my shoulders and I don't do anything too rash. Needless to say I'm not moving anywhere...until after I graduate that is...and even that's kind-of a lie. I did just move a whole 1 and 1/2 blocks down the street into a house that I'm in love with!!

I have a big heart and I love to share the love with people that I love. My mom had hip replacement surgery last week and I've been in town helping her with stuff around the house, errands, bathing, cooking, and whatever else I need. I also love to be active and be out doing stuff. It has been hard this week to get over getting to do what I want to do and to stay at home helping her. It's hard to turn down friends inviting me out on boats, out to the bar, or whatever. I'm all about helping and I'm more than happy too but it also is lame to feel like I'm missing out on adventures, but it's not about me this week, it's about her...plus I'm not drinking anyhow.

I'm trying to slim down a little bit for my cousin's wedding so I can fit into my bridesmaid dress a little bit more comfortably. I haven't had a drink in a week! That might not sound like a huge deal but it's a mini milestone to me! I've also been having a hard time in quitting smoking but I haven't had a puff since Saturday, that's 5 days! That really REALLY makes me proud!!! I really want to be healthy. Not only so  I don't follow in family's footsteps in getting cancer later in life but just to be HEALTHY overall. It would undoubtedly help my skin problems, allergies, sensitive tummy, and would just make me feel gooooood  :)  It's my not so new and continuing goal in life as of now!

Haha it has been good getting some space from my man friend. I mean I love hanging out with him but it can't be good to hang out EVERY day, right? I really honestly haven't gotten sick of him at all and just hope he hasn't started getting sick of me yet LOL plus it's not like we don't talk everyday anyhow hahahaha I love how we have a way of talking with each other. To an outsider we probably sound like some bi-polar crazies but I like it  :)

Believe it or not I am not a fan of the city anymore. I hate the traffic, I hate the over flow of people, I hate people's disregard for others, and the list goes on.

I also love my mom to pieces but am glad I don't live in the same town. She sort-of can drive me crazy. I'm glad I'm more laid back than she is...she gets worked up and stressed about the smallest things, or things that aren't that big of a deal and just stresses out and puts that energy on everyone around her. It is frustrating and can be annoying but I'm trying to not let it affect me and learn to handle it with a grain of salt. I'm a lot like my mom in many ways but am glad I am laid back and that I don't sweat the small stuff.

Impulse

    So I just got back from a week long vacation in Bend and had an absolute blast! I got to visit a friend I hadn't seen since last year, the guy I'm dating came out with some of our buddies for his birthday (his sister and friend live out there), I got to see my cousin Jenny and BONUS  my aunts and cousins came out too, AND I went to one of my best friend's wedding! I got to go float the river, check out the Bend night life, go hiking, BBQ with my family, go boating/tubing/knee boarding...I'm really so grateful to have gotten to have such a good time. I really do love that area of Oregon. I've been going on vacation out there since I can remember (Pelton Dam, Bend, La Pine, Crescent Lake, Black Butte, Eagle Crest...). I've always been able to picture myself there.

Cultus Lake <3

     I'm really digging the guy I've been dating. He's nice, gentlemanly, very handsome :), has a good sense of humor, very affectionate, he has an uncanny way of making me laugh, he's constantly complimenting me and doting on me, and we have a lot in common...it's almost eery lol. We both have issues with relationships, we're both high energy, like to be active/doing something, we over think, we both have a problem with indulging too much with drinking (which is "nice" b/c we both understand the situation), we both want to live a healthier life style...it's just so odd but is also pretty cool. The only bummer is that I really like being around him and spending time with him but he's planning on moving to Bend sometime in the near future to start over there...which we've talked about since day one.

      Even though I can see myself living there eventually I have school to finish, and I have about 2 years left here. There is a college there but it's almost college suicide to transfer this far in (lose credits, get set back) and IF I did I would have to change majors, again. However, I've always had a very impulsive side to me and most of the time the decisions I make that way turn out for the best. Take going to Western for example. I applied here because I'd heard a little about it, liked that it was a smaller university, and it was a magnet for the major I wanted at the time (sounds crazy stupid I know). I wanted a change and was going to eventually transfer and knew I didn't want to go to PSU. I applied in April and started there the following September...and look where it lead me. I love my life a zillion times more then I ever did in Portland. I've grown, matured, met some amazing people, and have had a blast out here in the valley over the last 3 years. Does that make me crazy? Maybe? Am I seriously contemplating moving out there? Yeah. Will I? Maybe...when would be the real question. I have a lot to consider and think about. I'm an adult and this is my life we're talking about here...Plus it doesn't help that my cousin Jenny in Bend/Sunriver offered to let me stay with her for as long as I would need to get my self on my own two feet...

    One thing about my week in Bend...I drank. A lot. It kind-of worried me at one point. I know I like to drink but I need to draw the line. I need to have a life that isn't compromised by alcohol. I want to be healthier over all. I want to exercise, I don't want my decisions to be influenced by my drinking, I want to be smarter and more successful...I have some thinking and reevaluating to do before the summer ends.

     I'm going to hit the water tomorrow with my guy and my cousins, should be fun. I've got a lot to look forward to for the rest of this summer  :)  My guy is going to take me to the Warped Tour, I'm going camping at Pelton Dam, I'm going to Sublime with Rome with a bunch of friends, I have some friends coming back to town, I plan to do a lot more hiking, swimming, tanning, and adventures before school starts again. Even though life isn't perfect and I might have a lot on my mind, my life is pretty dang amazing and I am a very blessed lady. I love my life and everyone and everything in it.

The Silver Lining

     Sometimes it takes falling down on your ass for you to remember how things really are. I was reading some of my older posts and I sound like one big fat negative Nancy, which is SO not me. I am happy to report that I am back to my more positive self. Just a fair warning...it's been a while since I've made an entry and there's a lot I'm going to pour out in this one, so buckle up if you're going to actually read it because there will be a lot to read!
    
     For starters, part of the reason it's been so long since I've written is because my grandma (the one with cancer) took a turn for the worst and past away on July 6th. After school ended and we knew her health was deteriorating at a fairly steady pace I changed my schedule at work so that I could come up for 3-4 days at a time during the week. That was a blessing. I was able to make the trip up to Portland every week, I got to visit with my grandma and mom, and also help take care of both of them (yes, BOTH of them). My mom moved in with my grandma when she was diagnosed with Cancer in January and has been her primary care giver during her last stretch and that is a lot for any one to handle/manage.  I loved my grandma very much and she meant a great deal to me. I was pretty close to her. I grew up with her taking care of me in the summer, us staying with her when she lived in hillsboro, and she often babysat. Even after I was grown I always visited her, did chores or helped her with special tasks when she asked, and to my greatest pleasure she taught me a thing or two in the kitchen. I'm blessed and grateful that she taught me how to make pies from scratch and walked me through how to make a thanksgiving dinner from scratch :)  (If you know me you would know that I'm a huge food nerd and LOVE to cook). She was a very kind, selfless, and caring woman and I like to think that is where I get it from (my mom too lol). She is loved and will always be missed by many people. Her sickness brought out and reminded me of my inner that I possess. I am so glad and grateful that she wasn't in pain for most of her transition out of this world. I am happy that she went from normal to passing in a matter of 24 hours so that she didn't have to suffer. I am happy that she was surrounded by all of her children and some of her grandchildren when she finally passed. She is in a much better place now and is joined by my grandpa, uncles, and cousin on the other side. I'm also SO grateful that she spent time to voice things she never really had before (or in that way)
"You must have about 15 boyfriends by now with how beautiful you are"
"You are a very kind-hearted, sweet, strong young lady. You've over come a lot and I'm so thankful to have a granddaughter like you. I've enjoyed getting to know you a little better."

Rest In Peace Jean Ann Dennis 4/28/1930-7/6/2011

     Next...being in Portland for the better part of the last 3-4 weeks has really shown me that it's not what I call home anymore. Sure when I'm home I miss my family and my friends up there but here, in this small country town, this is my home now. I work here, I go to school here, I have some amazing friends here, I have a cool guy here, and I appreciate not living in the dang city. I've grown quite fond of never having any real traffic, I like the feeling a sense of community here (that is kind of lost in a big city), I like being able to bike/walk/board pretty much everywhere in town, I like being so close to the country/river/mountains. I have changed so much since I've moved out here. I've grown up a lot too. I'm defiantly a happier person and have come in to my own, I guess.

     There is so much more I wanted to say but am side tracked right now so I'll have to get back to you. until next time...

Another Day in the Life of Lo

     So I went camping this last week and it was just the small escape I needed. I went with a group of people and had a blast just chilling near the river. I invited a friend and was super excited she was able to come but was super disappointed that she drank too much too fast and was absent (or absent minded) most of the time. Bummer!! The whole next day we pretty much chilled at the lake and fished the whole time. I was in dire need of getting out of town and this was exactly what I needed. I'm glad the guy I'm dating (?) invited me, it was a good time...I hope to have more awesome times and adventures this summer!!

    So there is this website called "The Dirty" which is a website where you post pictures of a person and talk mad shit about them. I just found out today that one of my friends is on the website, and they are really mean and saying horrible things about her. She's at work right now and doesn't know what it says, but I know she'll be really hurt when she reads it. Some of the things that they state are true (or twisted partial truths) but I just don't understand why people feel the need to go out of their way to be mean, vindictive, or negative towards another person. It's a waste of time and energy and just feeds the negativity and continues the cycle. I wish there was a way to take it off, this girl has gone through a lot, and doesn't need to be reminded of dumb shit that doesn't matter or is any one's business.

     I had someone recently point some things out to me that I don't necessarily like. I don't think I've ever thought about it (until it was pointed out to me) and need to find a way to...not (I guess). It was brought to my attention that I explain myself (like if someone points something out or teases me, I feel defensive and that I need to explain myself) and that I like attention (which I guess I sort of do). I think it's all stuff that my personality adapted from things I went through growing up...I've never had great self esteem and was teased a lot by my brother and stuff like that about my height, weight, looks. I guess I like feeling validated that people like my personality or find me attractive...even when I'm not interested. That is an unhealthy habit to have and can get you in to trouble if you're involved with some one...so it's on my list of things to work on i guess. I'm sure that's why I feel the need to explain myself, even though I don't have to...You don't KNOW ME, you don't know my life!! Hahaha

     Anywho....just something that's been on my mind lately. Until next time...

ADH-what?

So I'm really tired and am just going to word vomit a bunch of random stuff just so I can get it out there somewhere besides my head...
- I had a really good day and was really hyper today (LOVE)
- I'm thankful I'm not what society considers "hot" (100lbs skinny prissy model type)
- I think I'd love to live on the coast or in eastern/central OR (both my favorite vaca spots)
- I have an offer to be a full time nanny...working 40-70 hours (nanny + bartending) vs 30 & school is really REALLY tempting when your in debt and broke
- I really want to quit smoking cigs
- Tomorrow will be fun, productive, and expensive
- I'm my own worst critic and need to give myself a break
- I don't really have to do summer school, I just have 4 assignments to do by the end of summer to change my incomplete into a grade :)  (which means more time for adventures, camping, and extravaganzas!!)
- I got the best compliment today
- This guy I like is totally in my head (rude, lol)
- I miss my girls but am looking forward to another summer in the country
- I absolutely love life

Until next time...

Liam Neeson is the SHIT

     So another Father's day has come and gone. Not that I care all that much really, but it's just a really cool reminder of how I got the short end of the stick in that department. As much as I am glad to not have my dad in my life and how proud I am in myself and the way I've turned out so far, I've just really always craved that kind of relationship. After my dad left I didn't have any constant male influence or any positive ones. I know it's effected me in the long run...and I just dread my wedding. I'm kind of old school and am really sad i won't have a father/daughter dance or have anyone traditionally giving me away (it'll be either my mom or my brothers)...I just guess it comes to me feeling a tiny bit bitter for all the people with awesome dads/stepdads in their lives. I can't lie...I am defiantly envious. I haven't seen or talked to my "dad" in like 9 years...He's a dead beat dad for sure but sometimes I just wish I had a father figure.  :(
     I start summer school tomorrow (boo!)... I've been really torn lately. I REALLY would like to finish school and get a degree BUT I have been struggling with everything that's been going on the last year and a half...I do well enough in school but am really not putting a whole lot of effort into it (which I don't like). It's also very tempting to just work full time and live life more...I know I'll stick to school to 1. finish what I started ( 3 yrs down, 2 to go) and 2. It would just about break my mom's heart (I'm the only one of her kids going to college or being productive in life AND she's just so stinking proud of me). I know I'll be super proud of me too when I graduate and 2 years really isn't shit. I've been here for 3 years, what's 2 more....which also leads me to..I've been saying it for a while but I know that I don't want to 1. move back to Portland when I graduate or 2. stay here for the rest of my life....Oh life...how crazy you are, I wonder where it will lead me.
I worked almost 12 hrs today and my brain is all over the place...random thoughts:
1. I love music entirely way too much
2. I think my job is improving my self esteem
3. I miss being ridiculously hyper
4. I wish I wasn't a freaking alcoholic
5. I like this guy and hope I don't screw it up
6. Idk what I'm going to do with my self all summer
7. I miss my girl friends...most of them live elsewhere or moved home for the summer..but I AM making new ones
8. Life is good
9. I hope I maintain or lose weight
10. I need to get back into my routine (exercise/eating/sleeping)
Until next time...
    

Runaway Baby

       I can look back on my life from today on back and see some definite and clear patterns in my life and my behavior. When things in life go sour or get to stressful I don't handle it very well or at all...every. single. time. When the going gets tough, Lo gets stupid. I either over/under eat, I over/under exercise, I drink a lot to try to escape reality, I also date and flirt with boys to escape reality. It doesn't help me escape shit. I end up being skinnier or fatter than I want, tired and irritable, and regretting getting involved with people I'm really not all that into. That's pretty much where I'm at right now. I drink almost every day, I've talked  with boys (one who I like, but don't know if I should! Idk how interested in me he actually is), I'm tired all the time (either from not getting enough sleep OR drinking and getting low quality sleep). Fact is I'm super stressed and depressed. Both of my grandmothers are dying, and I love them both dearly. One has stage 4 lung cancer; she's home on oxygen and hospice and can't do a lot of things on her own anymore. My other grandmother has officially been diagnosed with CHF (congestive heart failure) and is weak and home on oxygen. I breaks my heart. I really want to be there for them but I live in different towns then both of them. I have to try to coordinate time to be with them between traveling (there and back), school, and work. I'm just not wanting to lose more people that are dear to me. It's only just been a year since my Uncle passed last year, and now I'm going to lose the remainder of my grandparents before the end of this summer.
     Sometimes I wish I could just run away, just go road trip and start over somewhere else. That of course is just not possible, not to mention it would break my mother's heart.
     I know I'm a good-hearted, sweet, kind, positive, and giving person with a lot to offer someone. I am so lonely and not even in a relationship way. I just miss having a deuce around 24/7 (deuce = bestie i.e. Gaia). I do miss being in a relationship sometimes...and sometimes not so much (both have pro's and con's). Someone who I click with like I did with Jarrett or Andy. Except I want someone who gets me, doesn't take advantage of me, and loves me for who and how I am. Not being full of myself but there are people who would like to date me, but they just don't have the "it" factor. I need someone to be out there, demand my attention, and sweep me off my feet. I refuse to settle for less than I deserve ever again. I don't know why I wasted my time with people that I know aren't good for me. People who are charismatic and kind-of remind me of Andy. People who I know won't respect me the way I would want to be. Why can't I just love my self the way I want to be loved?
     Sometimes I really think I want to move back home but don't know if that would be good for me. I don't really know what would be good for me lately. I lost my bubbles and my life love luster. I don't know what to do or what I want. I just feel so lost. Like I'm so deep in this fog and just need someone to guide me out. My mom would tell me that God will lead me out, but that hard to do when we don't believe in the same God. I a spiritual person, not a religious one. I just wish I had some strong support here to help me find my way home and out of the fog.

"No matter which path I walk I feel lost. Nothing feels familiar so I continue on. Into a fog with no end insight. No way to turn back so forward I must march. Trusting nothing but my feet and this unfamiliar path I seem to be on."

Rough Around the Edges

     Some of my biggest struggles in life are my drinking and....boys. Let me get something straight. I don't think I'm hot shit...at all. I struggled with self esteem and self worth problems throughout my adolescence and teen years into my early 20's. I don't know if it's my personality or what, but I get a fair amount of people who develop crushes on me. I can't lie I do like the attention (who wouldn't, it makes you feel good about yourself) but I am also not interested in like 95% of them. There are a couple guys I say kind-of hold my interest. One is from Gresham and the other is a "local", but one holds my interest more then the others (but when I met him, it was not the right time and I didn't get involved). When my friend Mar asked me about my hanging out with them she said that they seemed "rough around the edges" and disapproved. Here's the thing, I know my family and some of my friends would love it if I found a real stand-up, good guy, who goes to church, and graduated from college, blah, blah, blah. I just don't LIKE pretty boys. I can't relate to anyone who's parents are still together, never had any problems, or experienced real trials and tribulations in their lives. I don't want someone who can't relate to the shit I've been through or at least understand where I must be coming from. I've been with people that have judged me for things I did in my younger years. Fuck that noise! You don't have to go to college or church to be with me. I care if you have some goal or passion in your life. I care if you are spontaneous and as adventurous as I am. I care if you can make me laugh and giggle. I care if you can make me feel better when I'm sad or safe when I'm scared. I actually LIKE guys who are rough around the edges or at least used to be!
      My only real problem is I don't do well with things once it becomes "official" or something more than friends. I don't know how I'm supposed to be or act. I'm not all that great at communicating my thoughts/feeling,  I'm stubborn, I'm a people pleaser, and I'm pretty sure I have intimacy problems. I'm very good at being emotionally detached from people and situations (which is a defense mechanism I adopted a long time ago) but that doesn't really fly when you start to get serious with people. That's basically how I ruined the last relationship. I was always 2 steps behind on my feelings and didn't take things as seriously as I should have. It hurt a lot to know that it was me that ended the relationship, I don't want to do that ever again. On the other hand I also don't want to be in a position where I'm totally invested and I'm being walked all over...guess I should try to find a healthy medium or something. I know I'm a very different kind of girl and am not made to be with a poster boy. Do I want better than what I was raised with? HELL YES I do but I'm not going to marry up with some bible thumping square just to achieve it. That's just not me and it just won't make me happy. There is always more than one way to achieve any one goal.
     So....yeah. I am a firm believer of not judging someone, especially if you don't know their story or situation (which I don't). Everyone is young and dumb once...but it's also not like I'm serious about anyone right now anyways. I'm just getting to know them better! Until next time...

Trying to Find the Patty Amongst All of the Nancy's

     This whole not drinking thing is really going to prove to be a challenge over the next couple of months. I know a trigger of mine is drinking when I'm really stressed out and just want to forget what is happening in the present. The "fuck it" factor. I know myself and when things get hard I want to escape my reality, which usually translates into me saying fuck it and drinking...which is exactly what I did last night. I got a text from my mom at work telling me that my grandma was in the hospital for something serious. (Back story: my grandma was diagnosed with stage 4 lung cancer a few months back and has a limited amount of time with us. I'm stuck an hour and a half away with school and work eating up all of my time). I got really kinda stressed. I was at work and couldn't really do anything about it; it was really weird I had sort of a physical reaction to the stress. I was feeling really flush and irritated...and I made the decision to go next door for a drink and then went to my girlfriends house that I knew they would be drinking. I knew what I was doing, and the "fuck it" factor kicked in and I did it anyways. I woke up feeling pretty bad about it and I made the decision today to not let that let me slip, there are other ways...
     For instance, on my way home I was texting people I felt my be awake because I just really felt that I needed to talk to someone before i exploded. I vaguely told my buddy Travis what was going on and he came over. We talked for over an hour about how I felt, about his cousin passing the year before, and whatever else came up. It was nice to have someone to just unload on face to face. I'm very lucky for some of the friends I have, even if we don't hang out a lot. Talking to him last night made me feel a lot better. Today however I was a wreck. I got another text from my mom telling me that my grandma was going to go on end of her life hospice and had anywhere from a few weeks to a couple months; depending on how her health was (clots or pneumonia could make it sooner). I cried pretty much off and on all day today. I stopped into work because I know my girlfriend and co-worker Rachel was working and I just really needed a hug. She gave me a long hug and let me cry and we had lunch...it was exactly what I needed. She even told my boss about it just in case it was serious enough to where I'd have to go home and be with my family. Verdict says I may go out there next week if I can talk to all of my professors on Monday and get my shift Wednesday covered.
     So I have this wonderful cat named Clyde, who has brought love and happiness to me over the last 4 years. Ever since I moved into this apt that doesn't allow pets, he's become strictly an indoor cat (which he hates). He's been ripping out a lot of hair...to the point where I find clumps everywhere and he has bald spots. I took him to the vet and I dropped $120 on my boy today! I got him a shot that the doctor said would help with the irritation (bald spots), I got him a huge new bag of food (changing foods on cats can seriously mess with them so I went back to the natural stuff I used to get him, that I only find at PetSmart), hair ball medicine to avoid ones that get too big (and have to be surgical removed), litter, and flea medicine. I love my boy...and had to use the cc...good thing I just made a payment.
    I've been feeling like a negative Nancy for the last 24-ish hours and I'm sick of it. Just because there are some bad and unfavorable things happening in your life does not mean that there isn't good in there somewhere. It just might be a little harder for you to see since your perception is clouded by the negativity you're letting in. You have to find the silver lining, maybe not in a specific situation but in your life as of present. Something you may have thought to be a negative could turn out to be a positive. I have to believe that I'm strong enough to withstand and weather the storm that looms in the distance. I have gone through a lot in my life time and I know I can withstand more, I just also would like to do it in a healthy way. I need to be a positive Patty. In with the positive, out with the negative.
     To end on a positive note. My car had been having trouble the last couple of days and has been sounding like a freaking nascar, it did NOT sound good at all. It turned out that my exhaust pipe was broken in 2 places, and I hated driving on it that way so I took her in (her being Daisy, my car). I got myself all worked up and stressed out about how much it was going to run me. I ended up getting it back the same day and it only cost me $45 bucks to have fixed (which I covered with tips from tonight). The icing on the cake? My car runs smoother now then it did before my exhaust pipes break. It runs super smooth and super quiet. I love this car even more then my 1st car, the Honda (Old Blue). I've put a lot of money into this car so it will last me a long time, it's my 1st real investment, and it makes me feel good every time I can give it some TLC.
    I sort of rambled a bit but I just wanted to get everything out that was on my mind...today was a draining day for me. So, until next time...

Got My Mind On My Money and My Money On My Mind

      What's been on my mind A LOT lately..? MONEY!! Not money I have but all the money I owe and money I need for things, we won't even get into things I want. It's really, REALLY stressful. I swear to gosh I'm 24 freaking years old and still am terrible at budgeting, saying NO, and saving money!! Here's what I owe and what I need...
Credit Card: ~$750.00
Court/DMV fees: ~200.00
Ticket (that I totally plan on getting dropped!): $472 (that's the BASE fine!)
I aslo found out that my car has this damage done to the front right end that I'm going to need to have fixed. I need to take it in to a couple places to get estimates on how much I'm going to need to fix it!! So without the car costs that's like $1500 freaking dollars!!!

     I would also love to go on a week long camping trip this August and need to have money for the camp ground and I need to buy myself camping gear (tent, sleeping bag, lantern, etc.). This is one of those whole WANT things...but I think it would be nice!!! I also can't find my iPod at home anywhere and fear that it was stolen this last weekend...which would make me very sad figuring they are like $200 to replace and I can't afford it and I use it ALL THE TIME!!! Especially in the summer with this nice weather and I'm walking, biking, longboarding everywhere.

      Speaking of money...I need to finish getting ready for work. Until next time...

I'm not failing, I'm learning all they ways it DOESN'T work

     I have not really been successful in my crusade to not drink this week...as a matter of fact I've drank every night since Wednesday all the way through last night. Don't get me wrong, I had a lot of fun this weekend but I really can't keep doing this to myself. I've barely gotten over being pretty sick, I'm now exhausted b/c your quality of sleep sucks when you're drunk, I did no homework, and I didn't even feel that great yesterday and I STILL went out and drank. There are no words for how guilty I feel...I almost feel like I'm punishing myself, though I'm not quite sure for what. Maybe for doing poorly in school, and still being in debt...which would be weird since drinking will only make those two things worse. I'm trying not to really beat my self up for it because that negativity will also get me no where. I still have my goal, I'm still going to work on it, I'm going to find a way that works.

     Friday night I found out my drivers license is suspended yet again and I won't have the time to go to Salem until Thursday or Friday to go figure it all out...stressful.

     This guy I dated very briefly totally wigged out on me Wednesday. He's seriously weird and freaks me out when he gets drunk. Last week he was being a huge passive aggressive jerk to me while I was working at the bar all night. He tried to tell me (not ask, tell) that I was giving him a ride home after I got off work...which I didn't. I went next door to the other bar for a few drinks. He was acting all creepy and weird and they kicked him out of the bar. I gave him his key (NOT so he could drive himself home, but so I wouldn't have to see him later to give it back to him)...long story short he ends up making a HUGE scene. He was banging both of his fists on the plexy glass windows out front and yelling my name at the top of his lungs...woooooooooow. Needless to say the owners of the bar gave me a ride home that night and my boss has 86'd him from my work while I'm there. Next time I'll take every one's word for it...

     I'm also behind in school work now. I've procrastinated so much because the work I have in my classes is so easy but now I'm going to have to get it all done this week and I work 3 nights this week. This just makes me get all stressed out and I wish I could just give up instead of doing it. How dumb does that sound? I've really gotten down and lazy lately...which I completely despise. This is also thanks to captain alcohol. Fuck. Must it really affect all aspects of my life? I need to get my shit together...until next time...

Where's the reset button?

     It's official, I'm sick. I've stayed home in bed pretty much all day with the exception of keeping 2 appointments I had and going to the store. I'm miserable. I have a terrible headache, a low fever, my neck feels like a tree trunk, and I have no voice and a terrible cough. I guess if I'm going to be sick I better make it count right? I just hope I'm better by the weekend and don't have to miss much more work, we're short staffed right now as it is anyways...
    
     I had 2 counseling appointments at school today, one was mandatory for a class and the other was for a drug and alcohol assessment. I've known I've been an alcoholic for almost as long as I've been drinking, I just go through periods where I minimize how serious it is because I'm a high functioning alcoholic. Enough is enough. I see it effecting various aspects of my life; my overall health, school, relationships, my mood. I don't want to just be average, I want to be amazing! I want to be happy and bubbly like I usually am, I haven't felt that way the last couple months. My grades in school have suffered...I've come too far and worked too hard to not do well and be successful in college!!! I would also LOOOOOVE to have the ability to be in a healthy and loving relationship someday that I don't ruin with my drinking. I'm a good person,  but so are most alcoholics. The way I look at it is that I have 2 choices. I can continue to drink and just do average and eventually become a slave to drinking like my dead beat dad or I can rise above it and quit and excel in school and achieve all of my goals!

     The one problem I see with not drinking is getting over being social in ways that involve drinking, and a lot of it. I have groups of friends here at school that are amazing people and I love to be around them but they all do like to drink. As much fun as it is to drink with them, I no longer want to drink...so I guess my fear really is isolation in achieving my goal of not drinking. It's not true though. I just have to find ways of being social with out drinking, have a sober support group, and re-learn what to do when your not drinking on your free nights. I was told by one of my counselors that I should start keeping a journal. It helps sort out your feelings and you may realize things that you didn't before...so stay tuned I guess.