This whole not drinking thing is really going to prove to be a challenge over the next couple of months. I know a trigger of mine is drinking when I'm really stressed out and just want to forget what is happening in the present. The "fuck it" factor. I know myself and when things get hard I want to escape my reality, which usually translates into me saying fuck it and drinking...which is exactly what I did last night. I got a text from my mom at work telling me that my grandma was in the hospital for something serious. (Back story: my grandma was diagnosed with stage 4 lung cancer a few months back and has a limited amount of time with us. I'm stuck an hour and a half away with school and work eating up all of my time). I got really kinda stressed. I was at work and couldn't really do anything about it; it was really weird I had sort of a physical reaction to the stress. I was feeling really flush and irritated...and I made the decision to go next door for a drink and then went to my girlfriends house that I knew they would be drinking. I knew what I was doing, and the "fuck it" factor kicked in and I did it anyways. I woke up feeling pretty bad about it and I made the decision today to not let that let me slip, there are other ways...
For instance, on my way home I was texting people I felt my be awake because I just really felt that I needed to talk to someone before i exploded. I vaguely told my buddy Travis what was going on and he came over. We talked for over an hour about how I felt, about his cousin passing the year before, and whatever else came up. It was nice to have someone to just unload on face to face. I'm very lucky for some of the friends I have, even if we don't hang out a lot. Talking to him last night made me feel a lot better. Today however I was a wreck. I got another text from my mom telling me that my grandma was going to go on end of her life hospice and had anywhere from a few weeks to a couple months; depending on how her health was (clots or pneumonia could make it sooner). I cried pretty much off and on all day today. I stopped into work because I know my girlfriend and co-worker Rachel was working and I just really needed a hug. She gave me a long hug and let me cry and we had lunch...it was exactly what I needed. She even told my boss about it just in case it was serious enough to where I'd have to go home and be with my family. Verdict says I may go out there next week if I can talk to all of my professors on Monday and get my shift Wednesday covered.
So I have this wonderful cat named Clyde, who has brought love and happiness to me over the last 4 years. Ever since I moved into this apt that doesn't allow pets, he's become strictly an indoor cat (which he hates). He's been ripping out a lot of hair...to the point where I find clumps everywhere and he has bald spots. I took him to the vet and I dropped $120 on my boy today! I got him a shot that the doctor said would help with the irritation (bald spots), I got him a huge new bag of food (changing foods on cats can seriously mess with them so I went back to the natural stuff I used to get him, that I only find at PetSmart), hair ball medicine to avoid ones that get too big (and have to be surgical removed), litter, and flea medicine. I love my boy...and had to use the cc...good thing I just made a payment.
I've been feeling like a negative Nancy for the last 24-ish hours and I'm sick of it. Just because there are some bad and unfavorable things happening in your life does not mean that there isn't good in there somewhere. It just might be a little harder for you to see since your perception is clouded by the negativity you're letting in. You have to find the silver lining, maybe not in a specific situation but in your life as of present. Something you may have thought to be a negative could turn out to be a positive. I have to believe that I'm strong enough to withstand and weather the storm that looms in the distance. I have gone through a lot in my life time and I know I can withstand more, I just also would like to do it in a healthy way. I need to be a positive Patty. In with the positive, out with the negative.
To end on a positive note. My car had been having trouble the last couple of days and has been sounding like a freaking nascar, it did NOT sound good at all. It turned out that my exhaust pipe was broken in 2 places, and I hated driving on it that way so I took her in (her being Daisy, my car). I got myself all worked up and stressed out about how much it was going to run me. I ended up getting it back the same day and it only cost me $45 bucks to have fixed (which I covered with tips from tonight). The icing on the cake? My car runs smoother now then it did before my exhaust pipes break. It runs super smooth and super quiet. I love this car even more then my 1st car, the Honda (Old Blue). I've put a lot of money into this car so it will last me a long time, it's my 1st real investment, and it makes me feel good every time I can give it some TLC.
I sort of rambled a bit but I just wanted to get everything out that was on my mind...today was a draining day for me. So, until next time...
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