Rough Around the Edges

     Some of my biggest struggles in life are my drinking and....boys. Let me get something straight. I don't think I'm hot shit...at all. I struggled with self esteem and self worth problems throughout my adolescence and teen years into my early 20's. I don't know if it's my personality or what, but I get a fair amount of people who develop crushes on me. I can't lie I do like the attention (who wouldn't, it makes you feel good about yourself) but I am also not interested in like 95% of them. There are a couple guys I say kind-of hold my interest. One is from Gresham and the other is a "local", but one holds my interest more then the others (but when I met him, it was not the right time and I didn't get involved). When my friend Mar asked me about my hanging out with them she said that they seemed "rough around the edges" and disapproved. Here's the thing, I know my family and some of my friends would love it if I found a real stand-up, good guy, who goes to church, and graduated from college, blah, blah, blah. I just don't LIKE pretty boys. I can't relate to anyone who's parents are still together, never had any problems, or experienced real trials and tribulations in their lives. I don't want someone who can't relate to the shit I've been through or at least understand where I must be coming from. I've been with people that have judged me for things I did in my younger years. Fuck that noise! You don't have to go to college or church to be with me. I care if you have some goal or passion in your life. I care if you are spontaneous and as adventurous as I am. I care if you can make me laugh and giggle. I care if you can make me feel better when I'm sad or safe when I'm scared. I actually LIKE guys who are rough around the edges or at least used to be!
      My only real problem is I don't do well with things once it becomes "official" or something more than friends. I don't know how I'm supposed to be or act. I'm not all that great at communicating my thoughts/feeling,  I'm stubborn, I'm a people pleaser, and I'm pretty sure I have intimacy problems. I'm very good at being emotionally detached from people and situations (which is a defense mechanism I adopted a long time ago) but that doesn't really fly when you start to get serious with people. That's basically how I ruined the last relationship. I was always 2 steps behind on my feelings and didn't take things as seriously as I should have. It hurt a lot to know that it was me that ended the relationship, I don't want to do that ever again. On the other hand I also don't want to be in a position where I'm totally invested and I'm being walked all over...guess I should try to find a healthy medium or something. I know I'm a very different kind of girl and am not made to be with a poster boy. Do I want better than what I was raised with? HELL YES I do but I'm not going to marry up with some bible thumping square just to achieve it. That's just not me and it just won't make me happy. There is always more than one way to achieve any one goal.
     So....yeah. I am a firm believer of not judging someone, especially if you don't know their story or situation (which I don't). Everyone is young and dumb once...but it's also not like I'm serious about anyone right now anyways. I'm just getting to know them better! Until next time...