Runaway Baby

       I can look back on my life from today on back and see some definite and clear patterns in my life and my behavior. When things in life go sour or get to stressful I don't handle it very well or at all...every. single. time. When the going gets tough, Lo gets stupid. I either over/under eat, I over/under exercise, I drink a lot to try to escape reality, I also date and flirt with boys to escape reality. It doesn't help me escape shit. I end up being skinnier or fatter than I want, tired and irritable, and regretting getting involved with people I'm really not all that into. That's pretty much where I'm at right now. I drink almost every day, I've talked  with boys (one who I like, but don't know if I should! Idk how interested in me he actually is), I'm tired all the time (either from not getting enough sleep OR drinking and getting low quality sleep). Fact is I'm super stressed and depressed. Both of my grandmothers are dying, and I love them both dearly. One has stage 4 lung cancer; she's home on oxygen and hospice and can't do a lot of things on her own anymore. My other grandmother has officially been diagnosed with CHF (congestive heart failure) and is weak and home on oxygen. I breaks my heart. I really want to be there for them but I live in different towns then both of them. I have to try to coordinate time to be with them between traveling (there and back), school, and work. I'm just not wanting to lose more people that are dear to me. It's only just been a year since my Uncle passed last year, and now I'm going to lose the remainder of my grandparents before the end of this summer.
     Sometimes I wish I could just run away, just go road trip and start over somewhere else. That of course is just not possible, not to mention it would break my mother's heart.
     I know I'm a good-hearted, sweet, kind, positive, and giving person with a lot to offer someone. I am so lonely and not even in a relationship way. I just miss having a deuce around 24/7 (deuce = bestie i.e. Gaia). I do miss being in a relationship sometimes...and sometimes not so much (both have pro's and con's). Someone who I click with like I did with Jarrett or Andy. Except I want someone who gets me, doesn't take advantage of me, and loves me for who and how I am. Not being full of myself but there are people who would like to date me, but they just don't have the "it" factor. I need someone to be out there, demand my attention, and sweep me off my feet. I refuse to settle for less than I deserve ever again. I don't know why I wasted my time with people that I know aren't good for me. People who are charismatic and kind-of remind me of Andy. People who I know won't respect me the way I would want to be. Why can't I just love my self the way I want to be loved?
     Sometimes I really think I want to move back home but don't know if that would be good for me. I don't really know what would be good for me lately. I lost my bubbles and my life love luster. I don't know what to do or what I want. I just feel so lost. Like I'm so deep in this fog and just need someone to guide me out. My mom would tell me that God will lead me out, but that hard to do when we don't believe in the same God. I a spiritual person, not a religious one. I just wish I had some strong support here to help me find my way home and out of the fog.

"No matter which path I walk I feel lost. Nothing feels familiar so I continue on. Into a fog with no end insight. No way to turn back so forward I must march. Trusting nothing but my feet and this unfamiliar path I seem to be on."