Some of my biggest struggles in life are my drinking and....boys. Let me get something straight. I don't think I'm hot shit...at all. I struggled with self esteem and self worth problems throughout my adolescence and teen years into my early 20's. I don't know if it's my personality or what, but I get a fair amount of people who develop crushes on me. I can't lie I do like the attention (who wouldn't, it makes you feel good about yourself) but I am also not interested in like 95% of them. There are a couple guys I say kind-of hold my interest. One is from Gresham and the other is a "local", but one holds my interest more then the others (but when I met him, it was not the right time and I didn't get involved). When my friend Mar asked me about my hanging out with them she said that they seemed "rough around the edges" and disapproved. Here's the thing, I know my family and some of my friends would love it if I found a real stand-up, good guy, who goes to church, and graduated from college, blah, blah, blah. I just don't LIKE pretty boys. I can't relate to anyone who's parents are still together, never had any problems, or experienced real trials and tribulations in their lives. I don't want someone who can't relate to the shit I've been through or at least understand where I must be coming from. I've been with people that have judged me for things I did in my younger years. Fuck that noise! You don't have to go to college or church to be with me. I care if you have some goal or passion in your life. I care if you are spontaneous and as adventurous as I am. I care if you can make me laugh and giggle. I care if you can make me feel better when I'm sad or safe when I'm scared. I actually LIKE guys who are rough around the edges or at least used to be!
My only real problem is I don't do well with things once it becomes "official" or something more than friends. I don't know how I'm supposed to be or act. I'm not all that great at communicating my thoughts/feeling, I'm stubborn, I'm a people pleaser, and I'm pretty sure I have intimacy problems. I'm very good at being emotionally detached from people and situations (which is a defense mechanism I adopted a long time ago) but that doesn't really fly when you start to get serious with people. That's basically how I ruined the last relationship. I was always 2 steps behind on my feelings and didn't take things as seriously as I should have. It hurt a lot to know that it was me that ended the relationship, I don't want to do that ever again. On the other hand I also don't want to be in a position where I'm totally invested and I'm being walked all over...guess I should try to find a healthy medium or something. I know I'm a very different kind of girl and am not made to be with a poster boy. Do I want better than what I was raised with? HELL YES I do but I'm not going to marry up with some bible thumping square just to achieve it. That's just not me and it just won't make me happy. There is always more than one way to achieve any one goal.
So....yeah. I am a firm believer of not judging someone, especially if you don't know their story or situation (which I don't). Everyone is young and dumb once...but it's also not like I'm serious about anyone right now anyways. I'm just getting to know them better! Until next time...
Sunday, May 29, 2011
Friday, May 27, 2011
Trying to Find the Patty Amongst All of the Nancy's
This whole not drinking thing is really going to prove to be a challenge over the next couple of months. I know a trigger of mine is drinking when I'm really stressed out and just want to forget what is happening in the present. The "fuck it" factor. I know myself and when things get hard I want to escape my reality, which usually translates into me saying fuck it and drinking...which is exactly what I did last night. I got a text from my mom at work telling me that my grandma was in the hospital for something serious. (Back story: my grandma was diagnosed with stage 4 lung cancer a few months back and has a limited amount of time with us. I'm stuck an hour and a half away with school and work eating up all of my time). I got really kinda stressed. I was at work and couldn't really do anything about it; it was really weird I had sort of a physical reaction to the stress. I was feeling really flush and irritated...and I made the decision to go next door for a drink and then went to my girlfriends house that I knew they would be drinking. I knew what I was doing, and the "fuck it" factor kicked in and I did it anyways. I woke up feeling pretty bad about it and I made the decision today to not let that let me slip, there are other ways...
For instance, on my way home I was texting people I felt my be awake because I just really felt that I needed to talk to someone before i exploded. I vaguely told my buddy Travis what was going on and he came over. We talked for over an hour about how I felt, about his cousin passing the year before, and whatever else came up. It was nice to have someone to just unload on face to face. I'm very lucky for some of the friends I have, even if we don't hang out a lot. Talking to him last night made me feel a lot better. Today however I was a wreck. I got another text from my mom telling me that my grandma was going to go on end of her life hospice and had anywhere from a few weeks to a couple months; depending on how her health was (clots or pneumonia could make it sooner). I cried pretty much off and on all day today. I stopped into work because I know my girlfriend and co-worker Rachel was working and I just really needed a hug. She gave me a long hug and let me cry and we had lunch...it was exactly what I needed. She even told my boss about it just in case it was serious enough to where I'd have to go home and be with my family. Verdict says I may go out there next week if I can talk to all of my professors on Monday and get my shift Wednesday covered.
So I have this wonderful cat named Clyde, who has brought love and happiness to me over the last 4 years. Ever since I moved into this apt that doesn't allow pets, he's become strictly an indoor cat (which he hates). He's been ripping out a lot of hair...to the point where I find clumps everywhere and he has bald spots. I took him to the vet and I dropped $120 on my boy today! I got him a shot that the doctor said would help with the irritation (bald spots), I got him a huge new bag of food (changing foods on cats can seriously mess with them so I went back to the natural stuff I used to get him, that I only find at PetSmart), hair ball medicine to avoid ones that get too big (and have to be surgical removed), litter, and flea medicine. I love my boy...and had to use the cc...good thing I just made a payment.
I've been feeling like a negative Nancy for the last 24-ish hours and I'm sick of it. Just because there are some bad and unfavorable things happening in your life does not mean that there isn't good in there somewhere. It just might be a little harder for you to see since your perception is clouded by the negativity you're letting in. You have to find the silver lining, maybe not in a specific situation but in your life as of present. Something you may have thought to be a negative could turn out to be a positive. I have to believe that I'm strong enough to withstand and weather the storm that looms in the distance. I have gone through a lot in my life time and I know I can withstand more, I just also would like to do it in a healthy way. I need to be a positive Patty. In with the positive, out with the negative.
To end on a positive note. My car had been having trouble the last couple of days and has been sounding like a freaking nascar, it did NOT sound good at all. It turned out that my exhaust pipe was broken in 2 places, and I hated driving on it that way so I took her in (her being Daisy, my car). I got myself all worked up and stressed out about how much it was going to run me. I ended up getting it back the same day and it only cost me $45 bucks to have fixed (which I covered with tips from tonight). The icing on the cake? My car runs smoother now then it did before my exhaust pipes break. It runs super smooth and super quiet. I love this car even more then my 1st car, the Honda (Old Blue). I've put a lot of money into this car so it will last me a long time, it's my 1st real investment, and it makes me feel good every time I can give it some TLC.
I sort of rambled a bit but I just wanted to get everything out that was on my mind...today was a draining day for me. So, until next time...
For instance, on my way home I was texting people I felt my be awake because I just really felt that I needed to talk to someone before i exploded. I vaguely told my buddy Travis what was going on and he came over. We talked for over an hour about how I felt, about his cousin passing the year before, and whatever else came up. It was nice to have someone to just unload on face to face. I'm very lucky for some of the friends I have, even if we don't hang out a lot. Talking to him last night made me feel a lot better. Today however I was a wreck. I got another text from my mom telling me that my grandma was going to go on end of her life hospice and had anywhere from a few weeks to a couple months; depending on how her health was (clots or pneumonia could make it sooner). I cried pretty much off and on all day today. I stopped into work because I know my girlfriend and co-worker Rachel was working and I just really needed a hug. She gave me a long hug and let me cry and we had lunch...it was exactly what I needed. She even told my boss about it just in case it was serious enough to where I'd have to go home and be with my family. Verdict says I may go out there next week if I can talk to all of my professors on Monday and get my shift Wednesday covered.
So I have this wonderful cat named Clyde, who has brought love and happiness to me over the last 4 years. Ever since I moved into this apt that doesn't allow pets, he's become strictly an indoor cat (which he hates). He's been ripping out a lot of hair...to the point where I find clumps everywhere and he has bald spots. I took him to the vet and I dropped $120 on my boy today! I got him a shot that the doctor said would help with the irritation (bald spots), I got him a huge new bag of food (changing foods on cats can seriously mess with them so I went back to the natural stuff I used to get him, that I only find at PetSmart), hair ball medicine to avoid ones that get too big (and have to be surgical removed), litter, and flea medicine. I love my boy...and had to use the cc...good thing I just made a payment.
I've been feeling like a negative Nancy for the last 24-ish hours and I'm sick of it. Just because there are some bad and unfavorable things happening in your life does not mean that there isn't good in there somewhere. It just might be a little harder for you to see since your perception is clouded by the negativity you're letting in. You have to find the silver lining, maybe not in a specific situation but in your life as of present. Something you may have thought to be a negative could turn out to be a positive. I have to believe that I'm strong enough to withstand and weather the storm that looms in the distance. I have gone through a lot in my life time and I know I can withstand more, I just also would like to do it in a healthy way. I need to be a positive Patty. In with the positive, out with the negative.
To end on a positive note. My car had been having trouble the last couple of days and has been sounding like a freaking nascar, it did NOT sound good at all. It turned out that my exhaust pipe was broken in 2 places, and I hated driving on it that way so I took her in (her being Daisy, my car). I got myself all worked up and stressed out about how much it was going to run me. I ended up getting it back the same day and it only cost me $45 bucks to have fixed (which I covered with tips from tonight). The icing on the cake? My car runs smoother now then it did before my exhaust pipes break. It runs super smooth and super quiet. I love this car even more then my 1st car, the Honda (Old Blue). I've put a lot of money into this car so it will last me a long time, it's my 1st real investment, and it makes me feel good every time I can give it some TLC.
I sort of rambled a bit but I just wanted to get everything out that was on my mind...today was a draining day for me. So, until next time...
Monday, May 23, 2011
Got My Mind On My Money and My Money On My Mind
What's been on my mind A LOT lately..? MONEY!! Not money I have but all the money I owe and money I need for things, we won't even get into things I want. It's really, REALLY stressful. I swear to gosh I'm 24 freaking years old and still am terrible at budgeting, saying NO, and saving money!! Here's what I owe and what I need...
Credit Card: ~$750.00
Court/DMV fees: ~200.00
Ticket (that I totally plan on getting dropped!): $472 (that's the BASE fine!)
I aslo found out that my car has this damage done to the front right end that I'm going to need to have fixed. I need to take it in to a couple places to get estimates on how much I'm going to need to fix it!! So without the car costs that's like $1500 freaking dollars!!!
I would also love to go on a week long camping trip this August and need to have money for the camp ground and I need to buy myself camping gear (tent, sleeping bag, lantern, etc.). This is one of those whole WANT things...but I think it would be nice!!! I also can't find my iPod at home anywhere and fear that it was stolen this last weekend...which would make me very sad figuring they are like $200 to replace and I can't afford it and I use it ALL THE TIME!!! Especially in the summer with this nice weather and I'm walking, biking, longboarding everywhere.
Speaking of money...I need to finish getting ready for work. Until next time...
Credit Card: ~$750.00
Court/DMV fees: ~200.00
Ticket (that I totally plan on getting dropped!): $472 (that's the BASE fine!)
I aslo found out that my car has this damage done to the front right end that I'm going to need to have fixed. I need to take it in to a couple places to get estimates on how much I'm going to need to fix it!! So without the car costs that's like $1500 freaking dollars!!!
I would also love to go on a week long camping trip this August and need to have money for the camp ground and I need to buy myself camping gear (tent, sleeping bag, lantern, etc.). This is one of those whole WANT things...but I think it would be nice!!! I also can't find my iPod at home anywhere and fear that it was stolen this last weekend...which would make me very sad figuring they are like $200 to replace and I can't afford it and I use it ALL THE TIME!!! Especially in the summer with this nice weather and I'm walking, biking, longboarding everywhere.
Speaking of money...I need to finish getting ready for work. Until next time...
Sunday, May 22, 2011
I'm not failing, I'm learning all they ways it DOESN'T work
I have not really been successful in my crusade to not drink this week...as a matter of fact I've drank every night since Wednesday all the way through last night. Don't get me wrong, I had a lot of fun this weekend but I really can't keep doing this to myself. I've barely gotten over being pretty sick, I'm now exhausted b/c your quality of sleep sucks when you're drunk, I did no homework, and I didn't even feel that great yesterday and I STILL went out and drank. There are no words for how guilty I feel...I almost feel like I'm punishing myself, though I'm not quite sure for what. Maybe for doing poorly in school, and still being in debt...which would be weird since drinking will only make those two things worse. I'm trying not to really beat my self up for it because that negativity will also get me no where. I still have my goal, I'm still going to work on it, I'm going to find a way that works.
Friday night I found out my drivers license is suspended yet again and I won't have the time to go to Salem until Thursday or Friday to go figure it all out...stressful.
This guy I dated very briefly totally wigged out on me Wednesday. He's seriously weird and freaks me out when he gets drunk. Last week he was being a huge passive aggressive jerk to me while I was working at the bar all night. He tried to tell me (not ask, tell) that I was giving him a ride home after I got off work...which I didn't. I went next door to the other bar for a few drinks. He was acting all creepy and weird and they kicked him out of the bar. I gave him his key (NOT so he could drive himself home, but so I wouldn't have to see him later to give it back to him)...long story short he ends up making a HUGE scene. He was banging both of his fists on the plexy glass windows out front and yelling my name at the top of his lungs...woooooooooow. Needless to say the owners of the bar gave me a ride home that night and my boss has 86'd him from my work while I'm there. Next time I'll take every one's word for it...
I'm also behind in school work now. I've procrastinated so much because the work I have in my classes is so easy but now I'm going to have to get it all done this week and I work 3 nights this week. This just makes me get all stressed out and I wish I could just give up instead of doing it. How dumb does that sound? I've really gotten down and lazy lately...which I completely despise. This is also thanks to captain alcohol. Fuck. Must it really affect all aspects of my life? I need to get my shit together...until next time...
Friday night I found out my drivers license is suspended yet again and I won't have the time to go to Salem until Thursday or Friday to go figure it all out...stressful.
This guy I dated very briefly totally wigged out on me Wednesday. He's seriously weird and freaks me out when he gets drunk. Last week he was being a huge passive aggressive jerk to me while I was working at the bar all night. He tried to tell me (not ask, tell) that I was giving him a ride home after I got off work...which I didn't. I went next door to the other bar for a few drinks. He was acting all creepy and weird and they kicked him out of the bar. I gave him his key (NOT so he could drive himself home, but so I wouldn't have to see him later to give it back to him)...long story short he ends up making a HUGE scene. He was banging both of his fists on the plexy glass windows out front and yelling my name at the top of his lungs...woooooooooow. Needless to say the owners of the bar gave me a ride home that night and my boss has 86'd him from my work while I'm there. Next time I'll take every one's word for it...
I'm also behind in school work now. I've procrastinated so much because the work I have in my classes is so easy but now I'm going to have to get it all done this week and I work 3 nights this week. This just makes me get all stressed out and I wish I could just give up instead of doing it. How dumb does that sound? I've really gotten down and lazy lately...which I completely despise. This is also thanks to captain alcohol. Fuck. Must it really affect all aspects of my life? I need to get my shit together...until next time...
Monday, May 16, 2011
Where's the reset button?
It's official, I'm sick. I've stayed home in bed pretty much all day with the exception of keeping 2 appointments I had and going to the store. I'm miserable. I have a terrible headache, a low fever, my neck feels like a tree trunk, and I have no voice and a terrible cough. I guess if I'm going to be sick I better make it count right? I just hope I'm better by the weekend and don't have to miss much more work, we're short staffed right now as it is anyways...
I had 2 counseling appointments at school today, one was mandatory for a class and the other was for a drug and alcohol assessment. I've known I've been an alcoholic for almost as long as I've been drinking, I just go through periods where I minimize how serious it is because I'm a high functioning alcoholic. Enough is enough. I see it effecting various aspects of my life; my overall health, school, relationships, my mood. I don't want to just be average, I want to be amazing! I want to be happy and bubbly like I usually am, I haven't felt that way the last couple months. My grades in school have suffered...I've come too far and worked too hard to not do well and be successful in college!!! I would also LOOOOOVE to have the ability to be in a healthy and loving relationship someday that I don't ruin with my drinking. I'm a good person, but so are most alcoholics. The way I look at it is that I have 2 choices. I can continue to drink and just do average and eventually become a slave to drinking like my dead beat dad or I can rise above it and quit and excel in school and achieve all of my goals!
The one problem I see with not drinking is getting over being social in ways that involve drinking, and a lot of it. I have groups of friends here at school that are amazing people and I love to be around them but they all do like to drink. As much fun as it is to drink with them, I no longer want to drink...so I guess my fear really is isolation in achieving my goal of not drinking. It's not true though. I just have to find ways of being social with out drinking, have a sober support group, and re-learn what to do when your not drinking on your free nights. I was told by one of my counselors that I should start keeping a journal. It helps sort out your feelings and you may realize things that you didn't before...so stay tuned I guess.
I had 2 counseling appointments at school today, one was mandatory for a class and the other was for a drug and alcohol assessment. I've known I've been an alcoholic for almost as long as I've been drinking, I just go through periods where I minimize how serious it is because I'm a high functioning alcoholic. Enough is enough. I see it effecting various aspects of my life; my overall health, school, relationships, my mood. I don't want to just be average, I want to be amazing! I want to be happy and bubbly like I usually am, I haven't felt that way the last couple months. My grades in school have suffered...I've come too far and worked too hard to not do well and be successful in college!!! I would also LOOOOOVE to have the ability to be in a healthy and loving relationship someday that I don't ruin with my drinking. I'm a good person, but so are most alcoholics. The way I look at it is that I have 2 choices. I can continue to drink and just do average and eventually become a slave to drinking like my dead beat dad or I can rise above it and quit and excel in school and achieve all of my goals!
The one problem I see with not drinking is getting over being social in ways that involve drinking, and a lot of it. I have groups of friends here at school that are amazing people and I love to be around them but they all do like to drink. As much fun as it is to drink with them, I no longer want to drink...so I guess my fear really is isolation in achieving my goal of not drinking. It's not true though. I just have to find ways of being social with out drinking, have a sober support group, and re-learn what to do when your not drinking on your free nights. I was told by one of my counselors that I should start keeping a journal. It helps sort out your feelings and you may realize things that you didn't before...so stay tuned I guess.
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