Another Day in the Life of Lo

     So I went camping this last week and it was just the small escape I needed. I went with a group of people and had a blast just chilling near the river. I invited a friend and was super excited she was able to come but was super disappointed that she drank too much too fast and was absent (or absent minded) most of the time. Bummer!! The whole next day we pretty much chilled at the lake and fished the whole time. I was in dire need of getting out of town and this was exactly what I needed. I'm glad the guy I'm dating (?) invited me, it was a good time...I hope to have more awesome times and adventures this summer!!

    So there is this website called "The Dirty" which is a website where you post pictures of a person and talk mad shit about them. I just found out today that one of my friends is on the website, and they are really mean and saying horrible things about her. She's at work right now and doesn't know what it says, but I know she'll be really hurt when she reads it. Some of the things that they state are true (or twisted partial truths) but I just don't understand why people feel the need to go out of their way to be mean, vindictive, or negative towards another person. It's a waste of time and energy and just feeds the negativity and continues the cycle. I wish there was a way to take it off, this girl has gone through a lot, and doesn't need to be reminded of dumb shit that doesn't matter or is any one's business.

     I had someone recently point some things out to me that I don't necessarily like. I don't think I've ever thought about it (until it was pointed out to me) and need to find a way to...not (I guess). It was brought to my attention that I explain myself (like if someone points something out or teases me, I feel defensive and that I need to explain myself) and that I like attention (which I guess I sort of do). I think it's all stuff that my personality adapted from things I went through growing up...I've never had great self esteem and was teased a lot by my brother and stuff like that about my height, weight, looks. I guess I like feeling validated that people like my personality or find me attractive...even when I'm not interested. That is an unhealthy habit to have and can get you in to trouble if you're involved with some one...so it's on my list of things to work on i guess. I'm sure that's why I feel the need to explain myself, even though I don't have to...You don't KNOW ME, you don't know my life!! Hahaha

     Anywho....just something that's been on my mind lately. Until next time...

ADH-what?

So I'm really tired and am just going to word vomit a bunch of random stuff just so I can get it out there somewhere besides my head...
- I had a really good day and was really hyper today (LOVE)
- I'm thankful I'm not what society considers "hot" (100lbs skinny prissy model type)
- I think I'd love to live on the coast or in eastern/central OR (both my favorite vaca spots)
- I have an offer to be a full time nanny...working 40-70 hours (nanny + bartending) vs 30 & school is really REALLY tempting when your in debt and broke
- I really want to quit smoking cigs
- Tomorrow will be fun, productive, and expensive
- I'm my own worst critic and need to give myself a break
- I don't really have to do summer school, I just have 4 assignments to do by the end of summer to change my incomplete into a grade :)  (which means more time for adventures, camping, and extravaganzas!!)
- I got the best compliment today
- This guy I like is totally in my head (rude, lol)
- I miss my girls but am looking forward to another summer in the country
- I absolutely love life

Until next time...

Liam Neeson is the SHIT

     So another Father's day has come and gone. Not that I care all that much really, but it's just a really cool reminder of how I got the short end of the stick in that department. As much as I am glad to not have my dad in my life and how proud I am in myself and the way I've turned out so far, I've just really always craved that kind of relationship. After my dad left I didn't have any constant male influence or any positive ones. I know it's effected me in the long run...and I just dread my wedding. I'm kind of old school and am really sad i won't have a father/daughter dance or have anyone traditionally giving me away (it'll be either my mom or my brothers)...I just guess it comes to me feeling a tiny bit bitter for all the people with awesome dads/stepdads in their lives. I can't lie...I am defiantly envious. I haven't seen or talked to my "dad" in like 9 years...He's a dead beat dad for sure but sometimes I just wish I had a father figure.  :(
     I start summer school tomorrow (boo!)... I've been really torn lately. I REALLY would like to finish school and get a degree BUT I have been struggling with everything that's been going on the last year and a half...I do well enough in school but am really not putting a whole lot of effort into it (which I don't like). It's also very tempting to just work full time and live life more...I know I'll stick to school to 1. finish what I started ( 3 yrs down, 2 to go) and 2. It would just about break my mom's heart (I'm the only one of her kids going to college or being productive in life AND she's just so stinking proud of me). I know I'll be super proud of me too when I graduate and 2 years really isn't shit. I've been here for 3 years, what's 2 more....which also leads me to..I've been saying it for a while but I know that I don't want to 1. move back to Portland when I graduate or 2. stay here for the rest of my life....Oh life...how crazy you are, I wonder where it will lead me.
I worked almost 12 hrs today and my brain is all over the place...random thoughts:
1. I love music entirely way too much
2. I think my job is improving my self esteem
3. I miss being ridiculously hyper
4. I wish I wasn't a freaking alcoholic
5. I like this guy and hope I don't screw it up
6. Idk what I'm going to do with my self all summer
7. I miss my girl friends...most of them live elsewhere or moved home for the summer..but I AM making new ones
8. Life is good
9. I hope I maintain or lose weight
10. I need to get back into my routine (exercise/eating/sleeping)
Until next time...
    

Runaway Baby

       I can look back on my life from today on back and see some definite and clear patterns in my life and my behavior. When things in life go sour or get to stressful I don't handle it very well or at all...every. single. time. When the going gets tough, Lo gets stupid. I either over/under eat, I over/under exercise, I drink a lot to try to escape reality, I also date and flirt with boys to escape reality. It doesn't help me escape shit. I end up being skinnier or fatter than I want, tired and irritable, and regretting getting involved with people I'm really not all that into. That's pretty much where I'm at right now. I drink almost every day, I've talked  with boys (one who I like, but don't know if I should! Idk how interested in me he actually is), I'm tired all the time (either from not getting enough sleep OR drinking and getting low quality sleep). Fact is I'm super stressed and depressed. Both of my grandmothers are dying, and I love them both dearly. One has stage 4 lung cancer; she's home on oxygen and hospice and can't do a lot of things on her own anymore. My other grandmother has officially been diagnosed with CHF (congestive heart failure) and is weak and home on oxygen. I breaks my heart. I really want to be there for them but I live in different towns then both of them. I have to try to coordinate time to be with them between traveling (there and back), school, and work. I'm just not wanting to lose more people that are dear to me. It's only just been a year since my Uncle passed last year, and now I'm going to lose the remainder of my grandparents before the end of this summer.
     Sometimes I wish I could just run away, just go road trip and start over somewhere else. That of course is just not possible, not to mention it would break my mother's heart.
     I know I'm a good-hearted, sweet, kind, positive, and giving person with a lot to offer someone. I am so lonely and not even in a relationship way. I just miss having a deuce around 24/7 (deuce = bestie i.e. Gaia). I do miss being in a relationship sometimes...and sometimes not so much (both have pro's and con's). Someone who I click with like I did with Jarrett or Andy. Except I want someone who gets me, doesn't take advantage of me, and loves me for who and how I am. Not being full of myself but there are people who would like to date me, but they just don't have the "it" factor. I need someone to be out there, demand my attention, and sweep me off my feet. I refuse to settle for less than I deserve ever again. I don't know why I wasted my time with people that I know aren't good for me. People who are charismatic and kind-of remind me of Andy. People who I know won't respect me the way I would want to be. Why can't I just love my self the way I want to be loved?
     Sometimes I really think I want to move back home but don't know if that would be good for me. I don't really know what would be good for me lately. I lost my bubbles and my life love luster. I don't know what to do or what I want. I just feel so lost. Like I'm so deep in this fog and just need someone to guide me out. My mom would tell me that God will lead me out, but that hard to do when we don't believe in the same God. I a spiritual person, not a religious one. I just wish I had some strong support here to help me find my way home and out of the fog.

"No matter which path I walk I feel lost. Nothing feels familiar so I continue on. Into a fog with no end insight. No way to turn back so forward I must march. Trusting nothing but my feet and this unfamiliar path I seem to be on."