Brown Chicken, Brown Cow?

Fast forward 2 years. It's 2013. I have moved back home. I am transferring schools this fall. I live with my mom and aunt (once again...). I am still dating the amazing guy I started dating 2 years ago. I am still on my journey. I am still figuring out how to figure out this little mystery we like to call life. I will post a more detailed update soon. But for now, in the news of health and food...:

Ever since I took a sociology course on food and hunger a few years back (let's say 2010), I have been on an ever growing journey to be more healthy. I have been most interested on health and nutrition. I learned in that class about feed lots (CAFOs) and factory farmed animals (like chicken). The diet and treatment of the animals we eat has a huge impact on the nutrition we are able to receive from the animal, our own health, and even the environment. I have been eating strictly grass-fed meat for a while now and could never see myself going back. I can't just go to Safeway and grab a rotisserie chicken, knowing the chicken was from a sickly over crowded factory farm where it was force fed antibiotics, a cheap diet (that isn't natural for a chicken), and growth hormones that make it grow faster than normal. I take that extra 10 minutes to drive to New Seasons and get a rotisserie chicken there and can have a piece of mind ($6.99-$7.99 if anyone claims it to be "too much money"). I loved seeing this article in the Oregonian and love sharing my love of nutrition to you (everyone). Please take the what? 5 minutes of your day to read the article I posted a link to (below) about the relationship between farmer, food, the environment, & YOU! More to come on this topic in the future...trust me...until next time.

http://www.oregonlive.com/foodday/index.ssf/2013/07/farmers_make_case_for_grass-fe.html

I'm just a material girl

So I know I'm pms-ing but I need somewhere to rant. I can't help but notice how cute everyone is dressed around campus and what not. I have struggled with my self and sense of style for a while. I'm always wanting more and feeling that what I have isn't good enough. WTF is up with that?! I hate being materialistic because I'm against over comsuming and conspicuous consuming. But I see a girl with cute boots, skirt, dress, top or whatever and then I think that I'm some how lesser, frumpy, chubby and not cute. I have been day dreaming online of shopping and what I would like to buy if I was rich instead of a poor college kid. It was kind-of disturbing. One website had girls wearing lace tops with nothing on underneath and I could see her boobs and nipples...uuhhh is that supposed to make me want to buy the shirt cuz I think I just threw up in my mouth a little bit. I know I'm not overweight or anything, but I am petite and I do have curves, I'm not "skinny". I wish all of these stupid websites had models that weren't a size 0 so I could have an idea what the clothes look like when a toothpick isn't wearing them...because I know damn well that's not what I will look like if I wore the same outfit. I hate that I feel like what I have isn't enough. I hate that I think I'm chubby just because society says you have to be a 5'5" and a size 2 to be pretty. I hate that I'm left with wanting more, unimportant, stupid material things that don't define me and that I honestly don't NEED. Yes, I would like to look nice but why is it I have to spend all this money just to conform to what the general population thinks is "nice".
My closet right now if filled with clothes of 2-3 different sizes. I wish my body would stay the same freaking size. I gain or lose weight and have clothes, then lose or gain more and have to get new ones that fit. So I have like a 1/3 of my clothes that actually fit me that aren't what I'd really like to wear but can't always afford to buy new ones or even want to. So I just have 2/3 of ill fitting clothes. I have been this size before and think it's my base wieght but the clothes i have that fit me are new and cheap or old. I just want to be a better version of myself or a better looking version of myself. this is stupid and I'm stupid for buying into it. Until next time...

Word Vomit

Fact:

• I am an extremely fortunate, loved, and lucky lady
• I can be too hard on myself
• I am totally lacking motivation
• I've had chronic headaches the past few days
• There are certian aspects in my life I am not satisfied with (see previous post)
• I was reading old posts and it made me miss things past...
• I feel a little lost
• I miss the complete and total freedom that comes with being a kid
• I hate our capitalist/consumer society. I should be perfectly happy with what I have.
• I miss my best friend
• Sometimes I wish I could work full time and take a break from school

I have a lot on my mind. I just thought I'd lay out some facts for myself so I don't get carried away with things that are subjective and are things I shouldn't worry about...My head hurts and I'm tired...until next time.

Uh...Who Put That Hole There?

Yes, it's been a while. I suppose I don't feel the need to write when things are going well. It's when things get tough that I like to write; I think it helps me sort my thoughts and gets it out of my mind and onto somewhere else I suppose....Any who....

So..."my guy" is now my boyfriend and we've been dating for about 4 months now. He really is an amazing guy and is a blessing to me. I don't think I've ever been more respected, loved, and treated so nice by anyone, not that I haven't had good bf's in the past or anything, but he just is extremely well rounded. I have to say that this last birthday I had was probably the most special birthday I've had, or at least I felt really special (corny and gushy I know). He took me to the beach for the day/night, took me antiquing, bought champagne, took me to dinner, then we hit up the casino to gamble (which he set aside money for) and drink. It was really fun. He put a lot of thought into it too...haha he got a hotel that wasn't 'commericial' (so me)  and was smaller, awesome, and way cooler then like say the Hilton/Shiloh. He thought of everything. He even told me I love you! Totally caught me off guard, but couldn't have been more pleasantly surprised. I think I'd realized about a week before that I'd actually fallen for this guy. Honestly, I'd kind-of be crazy not to have.  :)

Here's something that I have bugging me and that has been kind-of an undertone to some/most of these posts...me feeling not 100% and my not being satisfied with drinking.

I, over the last 6 months, have totally just fallen off my healthy wagon (well, healthiER). I rarely run, I haven't gone to the gym since Morgan graduated, I eat at work, I eat out too much, I drink, and still haven't kicked nicotine (which I beat myself up for too). I think all of this is why I feel so lethargic, unmotivated, self critical, and why I've gained all the weight back that I lost last year. All of this is very frustrating. I really want to do well and be good in school and be my "bubbly" self at work but with all of this going on with me it is getting increasingly hard to do. This is bull shit. I have will power in me. I've quit cigarettes for 2 years and drinking for long periods of time, it's not like I CAN'T do this. I used to run 4-5 days a week and go to the gym 1-3 times a week. I used to always pack a lunch/dinner for work to help myself eat healthier and cook vs. go out. How did I get so...god damn lazy, or better yet...how the f*#& did I let myself get to this point. I hate feeling this way. I'm just not satisfied or as happy and energetic as I could be or would like to be. I don't know why I am finding this to be so hard but I want to get back on the horse...maybe I'll start going back to alcohol counseling here at school. I only went a few times, but the guy here is really nice and understanding and helped a lot when I sought out advice from him a while back...because honestly, this nonsense has to stop...That's all for now, until next time...

PS. At my cousin's wedding.. I ended up losing no weight and had to be wrestled into my brides maid dress by my aunt and 2 other girls. I'm really surprised the zipper didn't break and that I wasn't walking like Frankenstein the whole time. It was surprisingly comfortable...lesson learned on bridesmaid dress shopping I guess...or just say no next time  ;)

Gold Star

So if you've learned anything from reading my blog you can 1. see that I haven't made entries lately and 2. see that I am an impulsive, passionate, energetic, person...haha I can really get carried away with my own thoughts sometimes...but at the end of the day I have a good head on my shoulders and I don't do anything too rash. Needless to say I'm not moving anywhere...until after I graduate that is...and even that's kind-of a lie. I did just move a whole 1 and 1/2 blocks down the street into a house that I'm in love with!!

I have a big heart and I love to share the love with people that I love. My mom had hip replacement surgery last week and I've been in town helping her with stuff around the house, errands, bathing, cooking, and whatever else I need. I also love to be active and be out doing stuff. It has been hard this week to get over getting to do what I want to do and to stay at home helping her. It's hard to turn down friends inviting me out on boats, out to the bar, or whatever. I'm all about helping and I'm more than happy too but it also is lame to feel like I'm missing out on adventures, but it's not about me this week, it's about her...plus I'm not drinking anyhow.

I'm trying to slim down a little bit for my cousin's wedding so I can fit into my bridesmaid dress a little bit more comfortably. I haven't had a drink in a week! That might not sound like a huge deal but it's a mini milestone to me! I've also been having a hard time in quitting smoking but I haven't had a puff since Saturday, that's 5 days! That really REALLY makes me proud!!! I really want to be healthy. Not only so  I don't follow in family's footsteps in getting cancer later in life but just to be HEALTHY overall. It would undoubtedly help my skin problems, allergies, sensitive tummy, and would just make me feel gooooood  :)  It's my not so new and continuing goal in life as of now!

Haha it has been good getting some space from my man friend. I mean I love hanging out with him but it can't be good to hang out EVERY day, right? I really honestly haven't gotten sick of him at all and just hope he hasn't started getting sick of me yet LOL plus it's not like we don't talk everyday anyhow hahahaha I love how we have a way of talking with each other. To an outsider we probably sound like some bi-polar crazies but I like it  :)

Believe it or not I am not a fan of the city anymore. I hate the traffic, I hate the over flow of people, I hate people's disregard for others, and the list goes on.

I also love my mom to pieces but am glad I don't live in the same town. She sort-of can drive me crazy. I'm glad I'm more laid back than she is...she gets worked up and stressed about the smallest things, or things that aren't that big of a deal and just stresses out and puts that energy on everyone around her. It is frustrating and can be annoying but I'm trying to not let it affect me and learn to handle it with a grain of salt. I'm a lot like my mom in many ways but am glad I am laid back and that I don't sweat the small stuff.

Impulse

    So I just got back from a week long vacation in Bend and had an absolute blast! I got to visit a friend I hadn't seen since last year, the guy I'm dating came out with some of our buddies for his birthday (his sister and friend live out there), I got to see my cousin Jenny and BONUS  my aunts and cousins came out too, AND I went to one of my best friend's wedding! I got to go float the river, check out the Bend night life, go hiking, BBQ with my family, go boating/tubing/knee boarding...I'm really so grateful to have gotten to have such a good time. I really do love that area of Oregon. I've been going on vacation out there since I can remember (Pelton Dam, Bend, La Pine, Crescent Lake, Black Butte, Eagle Crest...). I've always been able to picture myself there.

Cultus Lake <3

     I'm really digging the guy I've been dating. He's nice, gentlemanly, very handsome :), has a good sense of humor, very affectionate, he has an uncanny way of making me laugh, he's constantly complimenting me and doting on me, and we have a lot in common...it's almost eery lol. We both have issues with relationships, we're both high energy, like to be active/doing something, we over think, we both have a problem with indulging too much with drinking (which is "nice" b/c we both understand the situation), we both want to live a healthier life style...it's just so odd but is also pretty cool. The only bummer is that I really like being around him and spending time with him but he's planning on moving to Bend sometime in the near future to start over there...which we've talked about since day one.

      Even though I can see myself living there eventually I have school to finish, and I have about 2 years left here. There is a college there but it's almost college suicide to transfer this far in (lose credits, get set back) and IF I did I would have to change majors, again. However, I've always had a very impulsive side to me and most of the time the decisions I make that way turn out for the best. Take going to Western for example. I applied here because I'd heard a little about it, liked that it was a smaller university, and it was a magnet for the major I wanted at the time (sounds crazy stupid I know). I wanted a change and was going to eventually transfer and knew I didn't want to go to PSU. I applied in April and started there the following September...and look where it lead me. I love my life a zillion times more then I ever did in Portland. I've grown, matured, met some amazing people, and have had a blast out here in the valley over the last 3 years. Does that make me crazy? Maybe? Am I seriously contemplating moving out there? Yeah. Will I? Maybe...when would be the real question. I have a lot to consider and think about. I'm an adult and this is my life we're talking about here...Plus it doesn't help that my cousin Jenny in Bend/Sunriver offered to let me stay with her for as long as I would need to get my self on my own two feet...

    One thing about my week in Bend...I drank. A lot. It kind-of worried me at one point. I know I like to drink but I need to draw the line. I need to have a life that isn't compromised by alcohol. I want to be healthier over all. I want to exercise, I don't want my decisions to be influenced by my drinking, I want to be smarter and more successful...I have some thinking and reevaluating to do before the summer ends.

     I'm going to hit the water tomorrow with my guy and my cousins, should be fun. I've got a lot to look forward to for the rest of this summer  :)  My guy is going to take me to the Warped Tour, I'm going camping at Pelton Dam, I'm going to Sublime with Rome with a bunch of friends, I have some friends coming back to town, I plan to do a lot more hiking, swimming, tanning, and adventures before school starts again. Even though life isn't perfect and I might have a lot on my mind, my life is pretty dang amazing and I am a very blessed lady. I love my life and everyone and everything in it.

The Silver Lining

     Sometimes it takes falling down on your ass for you to remember how things really are. I was reading some of my older posts and I sound like one big fat negative Nancy, which is SO not me. I am happy to report that I am back to my more positive self. Just a fair warning...it's been a while since I've made an entry and there's a lot I'm going to pour out in this one, so buckle up if you're going to actually read it because there will be a lot to read!
    
     For starters, part of the reason it's been so long since I've written is because my grandma (the one with cancer) took a turn for the worst and past away on July 6th. After school ended and we knew her health was deteriorating at a fairly steady pace I changed my schedule at work so that I could come up for 3-4 days at a time during the week. That was a blessing. I was able to make the trip up to Portland every week, I got to visit with my grandma and mom, and also help take care of both of them (yes, BOTH of them). My mom moved in with my grandma when she was diagnosed with Cancer in January and has been her primary care giver during her last stretch and that is a lot for any one to handle/manage.  I loved my grandma very much and she meant a great deal to me. I was pretty close to her. I grew up with her taking care of me in the summer, us staying with her when she lived in hillsboro, and she often babysat. Even after I was grown I always visited her, did chores or helped her with special tasks when she asked, and to my greatest pleasure she taught me a thing or two in the kitchen. I'm blessed and grateful that she taught me how to make pies from scratch and walked me through how to make a thanksgiving dinner from scratch :)  (If you know me you would know that I'm a huge food nerd and LOVE to cook). She was a very kind, selfless, and caring woman and I like to think that is where I get it from (my mom too lol). She is loved and will always be missed by many people. Her sickness brought out and reminded me of my inner that I possess. I am so glad and grateful that she wasn't in pain for most of her transition out of this world. I am happy that she went from normal to passing in a matter of 24 hours so that she didn't have to suffer. I am happy that she was surrounded by all of her children and some of her grandchildren when she finally passed. She is in a much better place now and is joined by my grandpa, uncles, and cousin on the other side. I'm also SO grateful that she spent time to voice things she never really had before (or in that way)
"You must have about 15 boyfriends by now with how beautiful you are"
"You are a very kind-hearted, sweet, strong young lady. You've over come a lot and I'm so thankful to have a granddaughter like you. I've enjoyed getting to know you a little better."

Rest In Peace Jean Ann Dennis 4/28/1930-7/6/2011

     Next...being in Portland for the better part of the last 3-4 weeks has really shown me that it's not what I call home anymore. Sure when I'm home I miss my family and my friends up there but here, in this small country town, this is my home now. I work here, I go to school here, I have some amazing friends here, I have a cool guy here, and I appreciate not living in the dang city. I've grown quite fond of never having any real traffic, I like the feeling a sense of community here (that is kind of lost in a big city), I like being able to bike/walk/board pretty much everywhere in town, I like being so close to the country/river/mountains. I have changed so much since I've moved out here. I've grown up a lot too. I'm defiantly a happier person and have come in to my own, I guess.

     There is so much more I wanted to say but am side tracked right now so I'll have to get back to you. until next time...