So I know I'm pms-ing but I need somewhere to rant. I can't help but notice how cute everyone is dressed around campus and what not. I have struggled with my self and sense of style for a while. I'm always wanting more and feeling that what I have isn't good enough. WTF is up with that?! I hate being materialistic because I'm against over comsuming and conspicuous consuming. But I see a girl with cute boots, skirt, dress, top or whatever and then I think that I'm some how lesser, frumpy, chubby and not cute. I have been day dreaming online of shopping and what I would like to buy if I was rich instead of a poor college kid. It was kind-of disturbing. One website had girls wearing lace tops with nothing on underneath and I could see her boobs and nipples...uuhhh is that supposed to make me want to buy the shirt cuz I think I just threw up in my mouth a little bit. I know I'm not overweight or anything, but I am petite and I do have curves, I'm not "skinny". I wish all of these stupid websites had models that weren't a size 0 so I could have an idea what the clothes look like when a toothpick isn't wearing them...because I know damn well that's not what I will look like if I wore the same outfit. I hate that I feel like what I have isn't enough. I hate that I think I'm chubby just because society says you have to be a 5'5" and a size 2 to be pretty. I hate that I'm left with wanting more, unimportant, stupid material things that don't define me and that I honestly don't NEED. Yes, I would like to look nice but why is it I have to spend all this money just to conform to what the general population thinks is "nice".
My closet right now if filled with clothes of 2-3 different sizes. I wish my body would stay the same freaking size. I gain or lose weight and have clothes, then lose or gain more and have to get new ones that fit. So I have like a 1/3 of my clothes that actually fit me that aren't what I'd really like to wear but can't always afford to buy new ones or even want to. So I just have 2/3 of ill fitting clothes. I have been this size before and think it's my base wieght but the clothes i have that fit me are new and cheap or old. I just want to be a better version of myself or a better looking version of myself. this is stupid and I'm stupid for buying into it. Until next time...
